The Silent Marriage Killer: Unrealistic Expectations!

Unrealistic KillerWhy do I call it the silent killer?  Because unrealistic expectations can begin as little thoughts and disappointments that we replay over and over and over in our heads, often morphing from small droplets into a giant, looming torrent that can wipe out our marriage. Satan has a a great way of doing this in our minds, IF WE LET HIM! Below I’ve shared four of the most dangerous “expectations” we place on our husbands that can eat away at our marriages if we don’t get them in check!

Expecting our Husbands to “just know” What we Want

Because if we have to TELL them what we want, it couldn’t possibly MEAN as much to us, right? If they really knew and loved us, they’d just KNOW, right??
Well, I’m here to tell you that is the biggest crock of crap that I ever bought into and, yes, I SURE DID early in my marriage. (sad, sad, sad) Girls, I have to say that it’s important to realize and remember that we have married MEN, not MIND READERS!! When we make our husbands GUESS what we want and what we need, that’s setting them up for failure quicker than anything. And, I’d also like to add that WE (wives) are the ones who become the LOSERS in the end.
Here’s why it back fires: When we’ve made it so that our husbands can’t succeed in making us happy (because we won’t TELL them what we want and need), they do what they are hard-wired to do: they shut down and they pull away. As women, we don’t understand what’s behind this, we don’t realize that our men do this pulling away as an act of respect towards us. (You won’t know this until you begin learning about their Mother Tongue: RESPECT. Read more about that in my FAVORITE book: Love & Respect affiliate link) No man wants to feel like a failure to the woman he’s married and committed to. And eventually, HE WON’T. He won’t try because he won’t run the risk of failing, of disappointing, of hurting……again.
This is insane!  Simply stating what we need, want, and like gives our husbands the tools they need to SUCCEED.  Why in the world wouldn’t we want to do THAT???
Holding Hands

Expecting Love to “Just Happen”

Love just happens in the movies, but that’s actually NOT how it works in real life. (Oh, I’m sorry. Did I  just hear a bubble bursting??) Love is not a FEELING. Love is a VERB. And it works only when we actively CHOOSE it and CULTIVATE it.  I think it’s easy to forget that our feelings actually follow our actions, not the other way around.  If you want love to be an active part of your marriage, TELL your husband what makes you feel loved. And don’t be irritated if you have to explain it more than once – that’s just part of what you signed up for when you made that covenant before God at the altar.

Expecting our Husbands to be All Romantic Like we Are

I think husbands enjoy romance as much as wives do, if you want to know the truth. It’s just that their idea of romance is rather different than our version, sometimes. The older I get the more I realize what romance really looks like – instead of a fancy card from the store, it’s a yellow sticky note on my steering wheel that says “Be safe and buckle up. I love you.” And instead of music, roses, and a glorious sunset, it’s more like an evening back-road drive with a soda to go check cows, fence and pastures. Know what? I love that special time together when we hardly talk. (Yes, it’s still kind of weird to me, but I’m OK with it!!)
178H (1)

Expecting Our Husbands to Think and Act Just Like We Do

Uh, hello…..God made us different for a reason. Yes, I’ve said it’s definitely easier for me to speak and communicate with groups of women because “I get you, and you get me.” We speak the same language: LOVE. Therefore it’s easy to communicate in a meaningful way.
This is where I had to become a student of my husband and really learn how God has hard-wired and created him. (Please note, KNOWING is not the same as UNDERSTANDING, and UNDERSTANDING is not the same as EMBRACING how your Hubster thinks and what he does.) When I began to embrace and celebrate the glorious fact that BDP is different than I am and that was OKAY, only then did I begin to realize he was a huge resource and a wealth of knowledge that was right under my nose and available for me to tap into. I now try to utilize his critical thinking and constant, even temperament in all that I do. Do you realize what happens to a Hubster and a marriage when you begin to do that??  It’s ah-mazing – he gets to be my go-to-guy and my hero.  Tell me what husband doesn’t adore that!
So girls… dump those nagging unrealistic expectations and start fighting for your marriage! It might be awkward and uncomfortable at first, but nothing worth doing is ever easy. I promise you it is SO SO SO SO worth it! 

Now You’re Cookin’,
Chef Alli

This post originally aired on Periscope ChefAlli@maketakebake in January 2016.
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Chef Alli

Chef Alli is a home-grown Kansas girl on a mission to strengthen families through enabling kitchen confidence, educating the family cook, and encouraging better food relationships. She believes with her whole heart that time spent with our loved ones and our overall quality of life is greatly enhanced by nutritious food made at home with simple, wholesome ingredients. She loves being able to connect and share this passion with others through her website, her social media presence, and her coveted speaking engagements.

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